i'm afraid of ageing. not the fact that i'm going to grow old and die someday. i fear ageing itself. the process of someone else getting old. someone close to me. a loved one.

i hate seeing wrinkled and dry skin. my heart ache seeing a wrinkle in the corner of a pair of old eyes as they grin a toothless grin. i cry looking at a hunchback and i squirmed at the sound of slow munching.

i never felt the word, 'old' to be daunting. until recently, death stirred it in me. the words; old, ageing, death seems so vulgar to me.

i can never swallow the thought. it will never digest in me.

maybe i'm just afraid one by one those around me will slowly go. i've always caught myself wishing and hoping to die before others. just so i can avoid the pain.

say i'm selfish. but i rather go first then see others disappear right before my eyes.