i have always doubt myself. not that i don't possess any form of confidence. i just do. it's like the blood that runs through my veins. i feel lost if there's nothing to be skeptical about.

i'm always plagued by bouts of uncertainty. those, 'what ifs', 'why not'. such frustrating exclamation. i can't stand it. i couldn't figure it out. till now.

it's not my lack of confidence nor is it some form of reaction. i choose to believe that it's a kind of deformity. like an illness that doesn't have a cure. a disability.

i tend to doubt myself. over everything. my existence in this world. my purpose. my being here. the position i hold in my family, friends and among fellow humans. my capabilities. my beliefs. my strengths. me.

aboce all,i constantly question my ability to write. don't be fooled. what you read here doesn't necessarily translate into written words as flawlessly. there's something about extreme laziness. i don't get it actually. i know i'm able to project my inner thoughts into words that will describe it fluently and with utmost coherence.

however, when it comes to writing, i fall short. my english grades are nothing to be proud of. what i write for my essays in school, for exams are childish ramblings. i'm ashamed to say this but it's atrocious. if i'm a writer, i wouldn't face this kind of situation. i wouldn't suck won't i? i can never be a journalist.

sometimes i wonder. is it me? or is it the system acting against me? i've always feel that i have an unconventional way of writing. if i'm that unlucky, i've been stuck with bias teachers who grade me unfairly. not according to my writing abilities. or so, if i choose to doubt myself; i can't write.

it's tough when you know you're able to do something yet incapable of achieving it cause you can't or you just won't.

in other words, what you have here is a cynic's point of view.